ArtsEtc.

Presenting: The UC’s guide to successful freestyle

Since my move from the urban center of Milwaukee to the University of Wisconsin campus, I can’t help but notice some atrocious freestyle rap at house parties. Making it up as you go along isn’t easy, but anyone can freestyle effectively with a few simple measures. In an effort to improve the morale and bolster the hopes of these downtrodden rappers, I am proud to present the Urban Correspondent’s Beginner’s Guide to Freestyle Rap.

 

1. Start quietly

 

There’s no better way to make a fool of yourself than to yell a rhyme about the cupboards you’re staring at during a party. Freestyle requires picking up momentum and confidence, but most importantly, it requires showmanship. What could be more dramatic than someone hushing your entire crew as your words crescendo to a near yell? Plus, you can always cheat by repeating the lines you mumbled earlier.

 

2. Cheat

 

No, you shouldn’t pre-write. Writing a freestyle rap beforehand will be obvious, no matter how hard you try. And never forget — rap is all about gaining a nearly unhealthy level of self-confidence. Being a confident liar is fine for toddlers, but not for a self-respecting emcee.

Nonetheless, you can always buy yourself time to think up new words with simple rhetorical tricks. For example, ask someone in the rap circle (a naturally occurring phenomenon when Homo sapiens engage in the ritual of freestyle) a ridiculous question and ridicule his answer. Repeat one line over and over, pointing at each member of the circle just to make sure they get the point. Make up words that rhyme with the names of your friends and define them in the most insulting way possible. Or put your ear to a fat guy’s gut and ask if he is hungry. These theatrics will serve a dual purpose: to buy time and make your freestyle more memorable.

 

3. Rib people

 

This is the best perk of mastering the art of improvised rap. You can make a fool of anyone within earshot, and unless they can respond in kind, your target will be forced to feign a smile.

Popular topics include: raggedy shoes, wrinkled shirts, outdated haircuts, ashy elbows, crossed eyes and overweight mommas.

But you’ve got to be careful here. Improvised rap is as much about the deification of self as it is about tearing down others. So for every two lyrical foes you take down, turn that into obscenely egotistical praise for yourself. For example: “I’ll make you face God, Vishnu and Allah/ So you can tell ‘em that I possess divine rhyme/ That I should be admired when I spit a line/ Because (Insert your name here) works fast like quantum time.”

 

4. Read regularly

 

You may be able to freestyle once or twice without a big vocabulary, but most people will zone out once you repeat your desire to “slap people who are wack” for the 5th time in a row.

Since you’re in college, the best bet is to apply a special area of knowledge to your divine rap talents. For example, Canibus — probably the best freestyle artist of all time — utilizes his broad scientific knowledge to describe how he’ll “Rip your bicuspids from your own jaw/ Metaphors cause menopause in your moms before you were born/ So technically, you don’t even exist, dawg.”

So if you’re a journalism major: “Put haters’ fire to their feet like C. Bernstein.”

Or an astronomy major: “I exist before the Big Bang and after the Big Crunch so I only gotta say this once” (Canibus).

Or even a biology major: “I know she like me for my panc juice/ ooh, ooooh, ooo, I need to digest you.”

 

5. Practice in a hot room

 

Like any art, you won’t be any good unless you work at it. Problem is, it’s easy to scan your brain for obscure verbiage while sitting comfortably in a living room, but not with a dozen eyes staring at you. A hot room won’t quite do the trick, but at least it will make you sweat a little.

 

6. Be yourself

 

The ultimate cliché. But seriously, nobody wants to hear about some nerd “skanking grank on the cold, hard streets that gave birth to Gs.” If you’re from the suburbs, rap about your father’s obsession with the lawn. If you’re a farm girl, rap about doing manual labor at sunrise.

Having a constant stream of material is critical to freestyle, and there’s nothing more consistent than real life.

 

7. Shut up, already

 

Let another rapper step in once you’re out of lines, or you will expose yourself to ridicule. No matter how great your rhymes were, the crowd always turns on a mic hog.

 

8. Trust the celestial wireless

 

This is the hardest part of all. Everyone keeps some sort of shield up to deal with the rigors of everyday life, but there’s no room for hesitation in improvised rap. If you don’t want to meditate for weeks to gain the mental discipline necessary for the task, make sure you’re really drunk.

The tragedy of learning to freestyle is that once you become an expert, everyone you meet will demand it from you. As a result, you’ll feel like a clown and want to quit forever. So enjoy the spotlight — and an acceptable venue to mock your roommate’s smelly feet — while it lasts.

 

Bassey Etim (betim@badgerherald.com) is a senior majoring in political science and journalism. He’s the real reason that God made the seasons — the bleakness makes a hip-hop demon.