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‘I Am America’ speaks for Colbert, everyone

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'I Am America' speaks for Colbert, everyone (November 6, 2007)
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by Taylor Paul

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Whatever you might think of Stephen Colbert, you can’t say he ever claimed to be “pro-reading.” Colbert’s most recent opus, “I Am America (And So Can You!)”, in fact, begins with the words, “I am no fan of books.” He makes it perfectly clear that he did not write the book at all — he dictated his opinions into a tape recorder — and he sincerely hopes that his book is the first and only book you read. “Like a lot of other dictators, there is one man’s opinion I value above all others. Mine. And folks, I have a lot of opinions.”

I Am America is Colbert’s extension of TV’s “The Colbert Report,” and allows him to delve deeper into his much-needed advice on “The Family,” “Sex and Dating,” “Religion” and “The Media.” Opinions, opinions, diagrams of the many tasty contributions of the cow (don’t forget the hoof in your Jell-O!) and more opinions are crammed into the main body of text, margins and footnotes. “Sorry margin-huggers, but I’ve got some opinions over here, too. Deal with it.”

But as alluded to above, in case readers get bored with actual reading, Colbert has made sure to include a tear-out sticker page, as well many pictures, flowcharts and diagrams (including a match-the-testicles-to-their-owner section).

Besides these distractions from actual reading, there is a “Stephen Speaks for Me: A Chance for Average American to Agree With What I Think” section at the end of each chapter, featuring satirical personal memoirs by people like “Austin, a formerly gay man,” at the end of the chapter on homosexuals, or “Your Soul Mate,” at the end of the chapter on sex and dating.

Among some of the funnier chapters is “Old People,” which even in its title puts the geriatrics in their place. As Colbert admits, writing a chapter dedicated to senior citizens is a waste of time, but at least he can write whatever he wants about them in normal-sized font, since they can’t see well enough to read it (“They look like lizards.”). He voices his displeasure for their reliance on the S.S. (Social Security) and ingeniously kills two birds with one stroke of the pen, declaring old people should be sent to work along the Mexican border to keep illegal immigrants off of America’s lawn.

The “Sex and Dating” section is another highlight. As a pro-abstinence role model, Colbert asks all young and unmarried readers to sign a pledge stating, “I swear that any knowledge I gain in the following pages regarding human sexuality will be applied only in the private context of a nuptial bed, nuptial kitchen, nuptial bathroom floor, or incorporated into anecdotes to provoke awe in my peers.” Never one to selfishly confine his opinions to the human realm, Colbert sternly admonishes the relations of animals for their lack of a traditional courtship and family (which, as described in “The Family” chapter, is defined as “a Mom married to a Pop and raising 2.3 rambunctious little scamps”).

While extremely funny, the book also adds to what the television show has already accomplished. “The Colbert Report” has been so successful because Colbert can efficiently satirize both the left and the right wings. Colbert, so able to step into the shoes of both the America-loving and hating, takes wild swings at both conservatives and liberals. “I Am America” extends the show’s satire beyond the political realm and mocks each side’s general views on life.

But, the savvy shopper asks, what, is the use of this “book”? I’m not paying $26.99 to be insulted by words I don’t know. Yes, this book smiles at me on my coffee table, but wait — I don’t even have a coffee table! Worry no more, because Colbert tells us if for nothing else, “I Am America” is government-sanctioned “to swear in those about to offer testimony, if a Bible is not readily available.” Truthiness, and nothing but truthiness, so help me God.

5 freedom fries out of 5

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