ArtsEtc.

Battle of the Networks Final Results

The dust has settled, and only one is left standing. In this battle royale, is it the bratty child of Viacom and Warner Bros., glowing sickly green in some "ironic" superhero knockoff drama and dancing to some obnoxious teen pop soundtrack? Or is it the ghost of Dan Rather, the jelly of his opponents still sliding down the wall?

No, of course not. CW and CBS never stood a chance. So it was down to the American Broadcast Co. and the National Broadcast Co. to duke it out while the cable networks laughed incessantly on the side, only participating in the exhibition.

The results, my friends, may be grim. They may, in fact, go against everything this reviewer stands for. Nonetheless, we present the highly scientific results of our "zero-to-boiling" scale of our arbitrary show sample, for your consideration.

For in the end, dear reader, the true winner is the one who gets to watch the (cathode-ray) sparks fly.

Broadcast Winner: ABC

— Tim Williams