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Federline gets burned on CD

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Also by Ashley Voss:

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by Ashley Voss

Wednesday, November 1, 2006

Kevin Federline has about as much street cred as Vanilla Ice ca. 2004. Yeah, that's right. Not "Ice Ice Baby" Vanilla Ice, but Vanilla Ice as real-life persona Rob Van Winkle, straight thuggin' with Tammy Faye Messner and Ron Jeremy on VH1 reality series "Surreal Life 2."

Mr. Britney Spears lives a rough life, spending his weekly allowance and keeping track of his four children, and on his debut album, Playing with Fire, the Vanilla version 2.0 is ready to spit some heavy flows.

Refusing to call it quits after critics booed earlier released songs "PopoZao" and "Ya'll Ain't Ready," KFed is out to prove himself to those haters in the media (and everyone else in America) who think (know) he's the freeloading male equivalent to paparazzi princess Paris Hilton. He's out to prove he's got mad bling ("I snap like they do in Atlanta/ Peep the ice/ Kev got jewels like Santana."), he's hot ("All these model chicks wanna do me") and on top of it all, he's still wildly intellectual ("I'm the talk of the town … Kevin Federline/ I come tight with every rhyme/ I built a kingdom down the street from Pepperdine").

However, after an hour of thundering basslines and shouting choruses of "Yeahs" and "C'mons" Playing with Fire succeeds only at proving one thing — Kevin Federline is not only worthless, but delusional, too. He is not now, nor will he ever be a shred of a respectable musician. The Fresno, Cal., native takes jabs at those who've spoken out against him, but in the end, the real joke's on Kfed. Listeners are laughing at him, not with him and his incessant mention of Benjamins, herb, and his dogs and hoes.

Set amid a pounding bass and a chorus of handclaps, Federline could not be more correct on the track titled "America's Most Hated." Between ringing sound effects and police sirens, KFed explains the logical reasons why people dislike him: They're mad because he made it, and he's living the famous life in the California sunshine. It couldn't possibly be that they're tired of his constant media presence, popping up everywhere from episodes of CSI to the WWE's Monday Night Raw — well, at least that time John Cena handed him a good old-fashioned ass-kicking. He even dismisses the fact that record companies found his so-called talent so abysmal that he was forced to start his own label to produce an album spouting lines like, "I got $50 million/ I can do whatever I want/ I don't need a deal/ I can do whatever I want."

KFed's self-love affair continues on "Dance with a Pimp," a track featuring gangster rapper Ya Boy. Mr. Spears brings Bollywood to the trailer park, blending exotic strings and tambourines with an obnoxious baseline, bragging about just how manly he really is and putting down all those whack fools doubting him. Simply put, "Dudes hate Kfed/ Girls love KFed/ It don't matter to me/ Cause Kfed stay fed."

"Lose Control" layers so many sounds that listeners may actually break down before the track's completion. Snaps, claps, high-pitched synthesized rhythms and what sounds to be a seizing keyboardist combine forces to create one cluttered, obnoxious song flashier than the gaudy pieces of ice weighing down Federline's lobes. The high-pitched sounds continue in the chorus of "Crazy," a track featuring Britney Spears herself defending the former dancer against his critics and providing listeners with a much-needed break from her hubby's elementary-style lyrics.

There are things Kevin Federline is good at, namely smoking, drinking, impregnating dancers and singers, and looking generally skeezy. There are also things he should stay away from, namely the recording studio. KFed can wear his bling, don stickers on his Yankee hat, and wear the pants that Britney bought him halfway to his knees, but Playing With Fire proves he's better suited to the role of Mr. Mom than a bread-winning dad.

Grade: 1 out of 5.

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Anonymous (November 1, 2006 @ 11:02am):

Hilarious!

Anonymous (November 1, 2006 @ 12:06pm):

"K-Fed" didn't produce any of the tracks on this album. He also left the majority of the lyrics to ghostwriters like Ya Boy.

That's why making vague references to the beats and quoting a few bars doesn't hold water as a record review. This is nothing more than a chance to make lame jokes about some boy-toy.

You don't like Britney Spears husband, we get it. Now could you please find someone who knows something about rap music to review his album?

And I'm sure the album is absolutely horrible. But the music deserves to be reviewed independent of your personal feelings about those who make it. Letting this kind of People Magazine gossip pass as a rap record review diminishes the whole genre.