Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

Independent Student Newspaper Since 1969

The Badger Herald

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Threesomes more likely than believed

Threesomes have always fascinated the imagination and titillated the libido. Almost everyone has heard stories of friends or acquaintances involved in group sex acts. It’s tempting to pass it all off as hype, as the exaggerated claims of sex-crazed college students. But it happens, and might be more common that you’d expect.

I encountered, with little searching and in a matter of a few days, three people who’ve participated in threesomes. On top of that, figuratively speaking of course, I’ve heard many other interesting accounts of threesomes throughout my college career. The interesting part usually involves the competition or, conversely, the camaraderie among the same sex duo in a bisexual threesome. In a homosexual threesome, it seems like these themes would come into play to a lesser extent, and likely among all of those involved rather than just two of the people. Still, the possibility exists that two people will try to win the affection of a third in this situation regardless of the sexes involved.

Competition for affection and attention in threesomes is undeniable. “She has bigger boobs than me so I’m going to have to work,” the anonymous friend said as she left the bar. She and another friend had planned some sort of birthday surprise, and she was set to be the guest star in the couple’s threesome that evening. Samantha attests, “The only way to do a threesome is to be the guest star … the girl the couple gets to come in and screw and leave … all the great sex without wondering what it will do to your relationship.”

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A story comes from a friend who tends to engage in threesomes with two guys and one girl. The question arose “do the guys like make out or something?” “Well, no, but let’s just say there’s a lot of high-fiving going on,” was the answer. Obviously that’s not the only thing a couple of guys could do in a threesome, but there is definitely more homophobia involved with two guys, as opposed to two girls. Girls are expected to make out with one another, but guys pretend like it is some awful gross thing for them to do the same.

For some reason, a lot of straight guys seem to think that touching their lips to another guy’s lips, or worse his pee pee, will make them gay. In reality, it makes you bi or gay only if you enjoy it; otherwise, you are just a guy who has done stuff with another guy before. That fear aids in explaining why it is more common to hear about threesomes involving two girls and one guy. Homophobia from the guys combined with gangbangophobia from the girls makes for a combination that doesn’t leave much room for two guys in a threesome.

Threesomes, and orgies for that matter, exist everywhere in nature. They ensure the strengthening of the species as a whole by promoting the proliferation of the genes of the fittest, unless the possibility of pregnancy is abated by birth control or like genitals. “In white whales the females lie on their backs and ‘call’ in the males who swim around her and try to position themselves on either side so that when she turns over to breath (blow hole is on the top of the head) they can mate with her. Since all the males provide is sperm, females incite competition to ensure that they get the ‘best’ male to fertilize them,” Cathy Shaeff attests. Oddly enough, not only does this strengthen the gene pool, it also favors the evolution of larger testicles. The bigger the testicles, the more ejaculate the male has and the more chance he has to wash away or dilute his competition’s sperm.

Since threesomes are common in nature as a means of strengthening the species, why shouldn’t people use them for pleasure as we do regular vanilla sex? After all, sex is simply a way of increasing genetic diversity, thereby strengthening the gene pool of the species. Moreover, as one of my threesome-fond friends put it, “God intended humans to have threesomes; otherwise he wouldn’t have given us so many holes.”

If you ever choose to engage in a threesome, a little advice: “Don’t do it with a really good friend. Seeing them naked may ruin the friendship forever and the mood with giggles.” Finally, and less seriously, “My best advice to a woman who wants to have a threesome with two guys, is to go to your local health club and play four-walled racquetball, because believe you me, you better get used to balls flying in from all directions!”

Of course, as always, use protection.

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