ARTSETC.
Bloated egos, broken hearts
Looking for a print version?
Simply choose ‘Print’ on your computer and a printer-friendly document will be generated.
Also by Lindsey Wasley:
- Bedroom rhythm key to sexual joy (April 27, 2005)
- Saying farewell, Bucky, to nights of sinful bliss (May 4, 2005)
- Fascination with G-string gigolos (April 6, 2005)
- Happiness beyond 1st-date giddiness (March 30, 2005)
- Maturity brings wisdom to love (March 16, 2005)
Related Stories:
- Friendship complicated by romance (February 17, 2006)
- Desire's plan for tomorrow (February 23, 2005)
- Examining sex numbers (October 13, 2004)
- No strings, what fun is that? (February 22, 2007)
- Madvillain commits dark deeds of indie hip-hop (April 20, 2004)
by Lindsey Wasley
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
I have a very pressing matter to discuss: infidelity. Why does this happen? The answer is complicated but the result is not. Distrust and hurt will follow, ending most of these relationships, and few will be strong enough to survive. The reasons for this infidelity are varied but important to understand.
It is devastating and very hurtful when one or both partners cheat. What compels a levelheaded person in love to cheat is not something that can be blamed on revenge or drinking too much. This is a problem that goes much farther than that. They cheat because they feel they can and/or deserve to cheat. It has often been said that people cheat because there is something wrong with the relationship. Even if true, this does not give a partner free reign to act on impulse. Selfishness, self-esteem and ego are facets of our personalities that allow the cheating heart to bleed.
Selfishness is often the first thing that compels a person to cheat. "I'm not getting enough from my girlfriend, but this hot girl will f-ck," or "my boy isn't giving me enough attention, so this guy that likes me will do." Yes, all these are generic; lame excuses for your own selfish desires. Instead of blaming your other half, start by taking a look at yourself. Question why you still demand respect from your partner but think you deserve to sleep with someone else. Most likely what is happening comes from a lack of communication in your relationship. If you feel sexually deprived or feel starved of attention, communicate these feelings openly. You'll be surprised at how far a little honestly can get you.
Both men and women have problems with self-esteem. To foster a healthy, monogamous relationship, supporting one another is essential, both verbally and through actions. Some men forget the value of their girlfriends, which can cause some ladies to feel they are being taken for granted. Now listen up guys, this is the most dangerous territory you can get into. Women are more apt to cheat when they feel the attention and gratitude they show you is not being reciprocated. If you want a blowjob, finger up your ass or whatever you like, don't forget that she needs to feel desired and wanted by you to give so much of her. It is not enough to think that giving equals receiving. Even for the toughest of us, our self-esteem is affected when our generosity is not rewarded.
Ladies, this goes for you too. Those times he fixed your broken toilet or hung a picture (although crooked) are real genuine signs he adores you. Those simple gestures symbolize you are someone that he appreciates and needs. Women like to receive compliments but forget that he needs his ego pumped up every once and awhile. This problem of self-esteem is a larger problem for guys that are unsure of themselves in the bedroom. Potentially, this leads them to explore other women to reassure themselves that they are doing the "right thing" for you. Sounds twisted, doesn't it? By exploring other women, he could be developing his "skillz" to bring back to you. Convoluted logic, yes, but self-esteem issues are very seldom logical.
The most deplored excuse for cheating is simply ego. An exaggerated sense of self-importance is the number one reason that anyone, man or woman cheats. "I can, so I will," is a great thing to keep in mind with your education, career, whatever, but not when it comes to jumping the bartender. Men seem to admit to the ego theory more so than women. Why this is might be explained by the misconception that women cheat out of passion, love and all that other nonsense. I have often heard men talking about how women cheated because they liked the guy. Please. It's got nothing to do with him. It's all about her bloated ego. Women love to hear compliments and, hell, we like a good piece of ass just as much as the next guy. So, it's her ego as well as his that's getting us into bed with someone other than our partner. We must move past this and respect one another. You do not have anymore of an entitlement than your partner does.
Although lame and immature, strangely there can be some good to come from a small indiscretion. Don't be so shocked. When you do something minor, i.e. concealing a phone call, kissing, even a one-time hook-up, reality can really hit home. This may mean the end of what you thought was a good relationship. It could also hit you that you really do love your partner. The best thing to come from a minor indiscretion can be the strength of the relationship after the pain has healed and trust rebuilt. "You never know what you've lost until you've lost it," is a hard lesson to learn, but then again the best things in life can come in the ugliest of packages.
You can define cheating as sleeping with someone else, kissing or simply flirting too much. This is a definition that only the couple can make and is an especially important ground rules to communicate. Cheating does happen even in the happiest of relationships. The couple in question must put aside their own selfish wants and bloated egos, re-open communication and build trust.
In the end, even if the two of you don't end up in the suburbs with a white picket fence and dog named "Sparky," the best you can ask for is that you learned from the mistakes that you made. Expressing fears, wants and desires in clear and open communication is the only true safeguard against the cheating heart. So for the mean time, appreciate your girls' generously, and we ladies will look at our crooked picture frame adoringly.
Anonymous (October 27, 2004 @ 2:17am):
I think there were some good things said here.....but I would suggest that the problems are much bigger and far more complex.
I think the big problem could very well be the social constrictions we place on fairly primitive driving forces. I think you would agree that both men ad women have very little control over the people they are sexually attracted to. You could have the perfect partner...you could be having amazing sex......you could have a perect loving relationship....but that doesn't mean you aren't going to be sexually attracted to other people.
Infidelity stems from that sexual desires we have for people in general......and many would argue that it's not something that we can control. For example....you might really like the personality of a guy....but you would never date him because...."He's like a brother." I think we can all agree that if we could just PICK who we were attracted to....it would make this whole dating thing a hell of a lot easier.
The problem could be that....the involuntary and unconscious sexual part of you.....is forced to contend with the conscious, platonic part of the you......we all know that they don't always agree.
I agree that egos and selfishness can result in cheating.......but I think the problem is less about personal flaws....and more about flaws in the relationship.
If you really...truly love another person.....you would never cheat on them....you would learn to curb your desires because you realize that by exploring them you would hurt the person you love....and hurting the person you love....is like hurting yourself.
The problem is that most college relationships aren't based on love. I'm convinced that if men and women could just have sex with whomever they wanted without pissing anybody off....and still have great platonic relationships with other men and women.......nobody would ever date...EVER.
But society says...."Though shall not have sex unless you are in a relationship".....and that really fucks a lot of stuff up because then people....especially young people who aren't ready to commit to love.....are going to start relationships so they can get laid. And if you are in a relationship so you can get laid.....it shouldn't be a big surprise that cheating occurs. If your motivation is sex...then you are going to take it anyway you can get it. The problem with cheaters is that in order to get sex....they will pretend to be in a loving, comitted relationship....because that is the only way they can get it by the rules of society.
But I think we all know that love isn't sex.....love is an action....it's a conscious effort to care about another human being. Maybe the problem is that we tend to try to explain sexual desire with Love......and they have a lot less to do with each other than we think.
Food for thought
Nate
nvaiford@msn.com
Anonymous (October 27, 2004 @ 8:24am):
That is the stupidest response I have ever read.
Anonymous (October 27, 2004 @ 10:02am):
Stop....using....periods.....idiot
Anonymous (October 27, 2004 @ 11:45am):
to nate: I think you missed the point of the article- it seems that you have your own agenda
Anonymous (October 27, 2004 @ 4:04pm):
It sounds like you speak from experience. In what messed up world does cheating make a relationship stronger? Also, I don't think a one night hook-up, or even kissing, is a MINOR thing. It sounds like you have two goals in mind: being able to do what you want, but also have the white picket fence.
Anonymous (October 27, 2004 @ 4:10pm):
To you: The point I was trying to make was that the article was silly and oversimplified.
The writer completely ignored all of the obvious social aspects that have a huge effect on the act of cheating. Focusing on the faults of an individual to explain there action without regard to the situation is called the Fundamental Attributional error......look it up....you might actually learn something useful about human interaction.
This article could have been written by a 7th grader. It was boring surface bullshit that won't help anybody or any relationship.
What is the point of the article? People cheat because they are selfish and have egos? I would love to see the research that went into that. The number one reason people cheat is that they have an over inflated sense of self importance? Please.....show me that statistic....show me that study....or were you just guessing?
My agenda is simple.....try to discuss issues with intelligent people. I guess nobody has the intelligence to actually discuss this topic....all they can write is:
"That is the stupidest response I have ever read."
Anonymous (November 12, 2004 @ 12:39am):
Hey, Nate. I thought it was funny that in your second response you didn't use as many "..."s. Did that third comment get to you?
Anonymous (November 25, 2004 @ 3:51pm):
they're called elipses, if you are going to make fun of someone make sure you know what you are talking about...
