With only a couple of days until spring break, I feel like I’m kind of obligated to write about it. In addition to drinking, and just generally having a good time, spring break is also about sex. Now let me clarify that. As one of my roommates put it, “It’s all about the f-cking, none of that making love bullsh*t.” Her thoughts on springtime in general were equally as eloquent, saying, “As the robin starts to show its head, so does the penis.” Springtime is about sex for practically everything animate, and a lot of people are lucky enough to be taking trips to infamous party cities around the globe in order to engage in it. If you’re like me, you’re going to the city of sin with your mother. Basically, I’m too poor to go anywhere on my own accord and she’s footing the bill. I wonder if she’d cover the cost of a hot Vegas escort. That would probably be the only way I’d get ass over break. All the same, I hope most of you out there, if taking a trip, are going sans parental units.
Wherever it is you’re going, and no matter with whom you’re going, it is important to crash diet and go to the SERF, even if you have never been there before. It is really easy to lose those extra pounds or develop that six pack in a matter of days. Wait, is that right? Oh yeah, no, it’s not. If you don’t usually go SERFing and you’ve taken it upon yourself to look good over break, you’re kidding yourself. So all of the overcrowding that’s going on over there is really unnecessary. But then again, what the hell do I care? It’s not as if I ever find myself there.
Anyway, some people say that it’s the journey, not the destination, that’s important. From what I’ve heard, this is especially true when traveling by trains, planes or automobiles. Why wait until you get there to have fun? There really is no better time than the present to join the mile-high club.
A friend of mine told me of some friends of his who had done just that. From what I gathered, the key to pulling it off is just to have no shame whatsoever. Anyway, here is what they did. The guy went to the bathroom first, sat on the toilet, pulled out his junk, and then his girlfriend came in and they went to town. Airplane bathrooms aren’t exactly spacious, so while they were doing it they kept kicking the door. The members of crew began to hear an abnormal thump, which persisted into a rhythm. Eventually they discovered the source of the strange noises.
They tracked them to the bathroom and went to the door to check on the assumedly single occupant. Someone knocked on the door, and surprisingly two voices replied, “Go away!” It happened again, and this time, the flight attendant opened the door and the guy screamed, “SHUT IT!” which apparently happened right when the girl was getting off, or so the story goes.
That story was a friend-of-a-friend kind of thing, so some embellishment was probably involved. But, as for the moral of the story, if you’re going to get off on the way there in an airplane, Amtrak, or rest-stop bathroom, you’re going to get caught.
Sexual stories aside, once you arrive at your destination, hopefully after some fun on the way, keep in mind that it isn’t cheating if you’re in a different area code, and it’s especially not cheating if you’re in a different country. Also, it isn’t cheating if you’re too drunk to remember it. With that said, remember to be safe. You don’t want to come back with some stowaway pubic lice. Also, despite popular belief, chlamydia is not a soup and, no, you cannot find it on the shelves.
Here’s an easy way to be safe and still appear to have had a good time to your friends. With the first person you see whom you want to do, take a picture. Then, later, you can make up anything about what happened because no one will know, and you’ve got pictures to prove it.
Even if you’re stuck at home in good old Baraboo or here in Madison, it isn’t that bad. You can still drown your sorrows with some Sex on the Beach, and I’m not talking about the beach by one of the lakes. I’m talking about the drink of that name. Actually, that stuff doesn’t have enough alcohol in it. Buy lots of cheap vodka and chances are you aren’t going to give a crap where you are.
