It’s hard to believe, but the holidays are finally upon as again, and as always, I am here to discuss who will be upon you this holiday season.
We all know Christmastime (or Hanukkah-time, Kwanzaa-time, spend-too-much-money-time, whatever your celebration may be) is an occasion for families and friends to come together and rejoice in the spirit of the season, blah, blah, blah, but the concern most students forget amidst the eggnog and mistletoe is the fact that you will now be living under your parents roof again for almost an entire month.
This alarming but inevitable fact is easily overlooked in the mad rush of finals and the ensuing onslaught of feasts and gifts, but by the time New Year’s Day rolls around, the honeymoon’s over.
The presents are all unwrapped, Uncle Marty and the rest of the relatives have finally packed up their minivans and ventured home, and all the cookies and cakes have gone stale, just has the familial spirit. As you survey the damage with dismay, one thing is clear: It’s time to head back to school.
But wait, there are still 21 days of winter-break fun to be had yet, all under the watchful eye of the parental units. As the snowy days loom before you, it’s time to start calling the friends you haven’t seen since last summer, and of course, the exes.
What better way to escape the constant scrutiny of your loved ones then by rehashing old times with people you haven’t seen all semester. Stories will be told, pictures will be shown and in the midst of it all, you might find yourself slipping back into that warm, fuzzy place you once shared.
This is all well and good as long as you are both aware that school awaits you in just a few weeks, and this winter wonderland you have stumbled upon is sure to melt when Jan. 22 rolls around. But if you both understand this, why not reheat that mulberry wine and relax for a bit?
Now the only problem that will arise (pardon the pun) from any new-year nookie is a result of living with the fam for the season. The newfound maturity and freedom we experience as college students is jeopardized by the rules and regulations of mom and pops.
Yes, you may be able to have “co-ed sleepovers” with whomever you damn well please within the confines of your dormitory/apartment/shoebox, but now you’re on their turf. It’s time once again to play hide-and-seek from your parents’ all-knowing glare, and you may often find yourselves reverting back to places you thought you had retired with your high school days.
The most obvious place to escape your parents’ scorn is your trusty set of wheels. And no, I am not saying that you should take your car and drive somewhere else for unsupervised activity; I mean you can do it right there in your car.
Automotive action does not lend itself to the slow, languid “making love” sort of vibe, but for lack of a better place, the car can provide both privacy and pleasure. I am not saying that you will necessarily be using your car for full-on intercourse, but if the situation were to present itself, it’s best to know what you’re doing.
If you’re going to use the backseat area, the only positions that will work are doggy style or girl-on-top. If you choose to stay in the front seat, simply recline the seat back as far as possible and feel free to attempt missionary, doggy style or any other variation of these two.
Be sure to make it fairly quick, as cops, dog-walkers and late-night joggers are sure to be an unwelcome interruption. Nothing like foggin’ up the windows in your trusty stead to relieve a little holiday tension.
If rounding the bases in your car doesn’t start your engine, you can always risk it in your basement, den or bedroom, but be sure to keep your ears alert for any footsteps drawing near. Mom and dad are fully aware that you are now an adult, but they are never ready to see their precious angel wrapped around another person’s naked body.
And with that, it’s time for me to wrap up this final column of the semester, but I want to wish everyone happy holidays and remind you all: No matter what your plans this winter break, if they involve bodily fluids, always use gift-wrap.